My dog has money coming out his ass

Last Saturday, I got a bunch of cash out because we needed some for a graduation gift and some for cash on hand. It was in those envelopes that banks give you, which I hate and normally dispose of quickly. For some reason, however, I kept the money in there this time and when we got home from the Phillies game Sunday, I put it down on my desk. Fast forward 3 days, and when I got to look for it, it’s gone. I look everywhere, ranting and raving about how I can’t figure out where it would have gone. Shari looks at me with that knowing look, sure that I have just misplaced it, while I’m sure that I knew where I put it but look elsewhere anyway. I even make a passing joke that maybe the dogs ate it.

So yesterday, I get a message from Shari that she has found the money. Unfortunately, she found it while cleaning the yard of the dogs’ ‘business’. Yes, that’s right – it was in the dog poop. Literally, the dogs did eat the money – about $80 worth. Near as I can figure, the cat – upon NOT getting her way – knocked the envelope to the ground, where our Dog Oakley investigated and, having a distinct penchant for eating paper (napkins, paper towels, coupons, rummy score sheets, etc.) decided that the envelope and its contents looked simply DEE-lish.

What to do, what to do?

Well, if it were $2 or even $20, I would have written that off. But $80 was a little much to just shrug away so I did what might be the second worst job I have ever done*, and I grabbed some latex gloves and went after the money. It wasn’t a pretty job, but a little ‘probing’ provided me with a bunch of scraps of $20 bills. Washing them off in the yard, I realized that I had parts of 4 different bills, but not necessarily ALL of the bills. Back in I went for round 2.

At the end, I had all of the scraps I could find, so I rinsed them off with the hose, then put them in a plastic bag with a ton of rubbing alcohol and hydrogen peroxide to sanitize them. After a couple hours in that solution, I rinsed them a half-dozen times with hot water and then dried them out. This morning, I put them together and taped them. End result:

• 2 bills are completely recovered – both serial numbers intact and most of the bill remaining.
• 1 bill mostly recovered – one serial number intact, the other partially there and a good 75% of the bill.
• 1 bill is very iffy – one serial number and barely 50% of the bill.

Now, according to the rules from the Treasury department, as long as a bill is over 50% present and is identifiable as U.S. currency, the banks have to accept it and give me a new bill. As you can see below, I think I should get all $80 back. But we’ll see.

As for Oakley, I’d prefer if he’s start laying golden eggs instead of recycling my hard-earned cash.