Archive for the 'Humor' Category

You Know You’re a Dumbass When…

Marty January 31st, 2005

After being cut off again by some moron on a cell phone, and dealing with the innumerable drones that walk around this great land and commenting on it, my wife told me that I really had a stick up my ass the other day. Maybe I did - I’m not sure. I was edgy, I was irritated and I was looking at everyone around me with a narrow view and acerbic attitude. And it made me think, was I being too tough, or were there really people out there who really deserve some sort of tagging showing off that they are indeed, a dumbass.

I’m not sure if it would be a tattoo, or as Bill Engvall says, we should give them a sign. Maybe they don’t know that they are dumbasses (or asshats, as I picked up when in mixed company). Are they? Are you? Well, thinking about it, I came up with some signs that you or someone you know might just be … a dumbass.

I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT YOU’RE A DUMBASS IF…

  • You drive around for 15 minutes or more looking for a parking space, instead of walking the extra 50′ from the one you keep passing up. note: exemptions - the disabled, elderly or pregnant mothers
  • You sell something new on eBay as “New in Box” but never actually look in the box you picked up at a garage sale actually was new - or had all of the parts.
  • You try to commit suicide 3 times and fail, and on your 4th try you chicken out - but manage to kill a dozen others with your carelessness.
  • You feed your kids fast food 5x a week - and then sue those same restaurants for making them fat.
  • You’ve ever believed a woman who said ‘You don’t have to get me anything’ for any holiday - real, Hallmark or imagined.
  • Ever had a hospital visit where the entrance report includes both “genitals” and “power tool(s)” somewhere in the description.
  • You’ve ever read the warning labels like “Do not place bag over head” or “Do not use toaster while bathing” and thought ‘Well, shit - now they tell me.’
  • You fold hole aces when you are big blind in Texas Hold ‘em poker
  • You claim that your wife is missing, and promptly start selling her stuff.
  • Your new killer website design you are touting your design skills on still includes the original notes from the person who actually designed. BTW, this is a double - you’re also a dumbass for stealing in the first place.
  • You use your own deposit slip as the hold-up note.
  • You feel the need to stop your vehicle in order to make a turn or use an exit ramp.
  • You feel that your own morals should dictate everyone else’s ability to watch TV, listen to music, see a film or read a book.
  • You feel that having a film, TV show, book or music banned for your own moral code makes more sense than you simply not watching them in the first place
  • A diet coke to go with that large ‘works’ pizza constitutes ‘watching your weight’.
  • You have a mullet. Don’t argue - it’s a fact.
  • You couldn’t manage to hit the inside of the urinal but thought driving home was a sound idea.
  • You have ever chastised someone about not getting a project done when that project was assigned to you. (yes, that happened to me)
  • You believe that Bill Gates, Disney or AOL will give you ANYTHING for forwarding an email. It’s a hoax - period. Stop sending them to me.
  • The idea of alcohol, lighters and explosives seem like a good combination.
  • You have rubbed food on your body to attract wild animals.
  • You are Kirstie Alley, Gilbert Godfried or Paul Schaeffer.
  • You have cheated on Hally Berry, Nicole Kidman or Hillary (Hell hath no fury on that last one).
  • You got into a car accident because you dropped your crack pipe while driving - with your knees
  • You have detailed intimate discussions/arguments with your boyfriend at a volume that everyone around you can hear them, daily. Vividly. Whether they want to or not.
  • You complain to your manager at the restaurant about what an asshat the customer is - well within earshot of said customer.
  • Feel that a steady diet of fat and meat will make up for the lack of exercise of your sedentary butt.
  • You are too lazy to shovel the walk in front of your house - the sidewalk that is only 2 blocks from the local school.
  • You actually believe that the hot Russian coed you are chatting with is actually hot. Or Russian. Or a girl.
  • You feel that protesting a piece of art is appropriate - even if you haven’t seen/heard/read a bit of it.

I welcome additions to this list. I’ll keep doing the same.

PVP vs. Non Sequitor

Marty January 13th, 2005

I was reading one of my favorite web comics the other day - PVP Online - when the author mentioned that he was getting ripped pretty hard by one of the ‘biggies’ of the syndicated newspaper cartoonists (whom I also happen to like). It turns out that Wiley doesn’t like the fact that Scott Kurtz, author of PVP, is trying to change the status quo. Well, things are starting to get a little uglier and although Kurtz is obviously unhappy about what’s happening, others are starting to pick up the banner to support him.

What’s he trying to do? Well, he’s trying to prove that one doesn’t have to be a syndicated cartoonist to be successful, vis-a-vis a web cartoon CAN be successful and a worthwhile thing to have. The web can create a word of mouth a lot quicker than most papers, but the biggest part of it is that web cartoons don’t have to listen to editors (well, their own, maybe, but not some lackey at a syndicate). So, add it up - exposure + creative reign = success.

So, Kurtz went out there and offered his comic for FREE to any newspaper that wants it, provided that they fulfill two conditions - no editing the strips and they include the link to his online version. He figures that the newspapers gain a popular comic at no cost, and he gets increased exposure. Win-win, right?

Well, Wiley seems to think that this snot-nosed kid just doesn’t get it, and that his little ploy will hurt everybody. What does he really have to fear? Non Sequitor is one of the top comics out there - does he really think that PVP will cut into his income or audience. In the end, he ends up coming off very petty - but don’t take my word for it. Read a couple of articles that really tackle the issue.

Links o’ the Day »

Pets are Strange People

Marty October 4th, 2004

Twas an interesting weekend - two pets provided for a host of laughs. First, the dog, who discovered that bringing us things makes us happy - so we spent most of Sunday getting slippers, clothes, remotes and anything else that wasn’t tied down brought to us by a very happy puppy. He also discovered the joys of doing tricks outside. We want to eventually enter him into rallies (dog competitions which highlight skills and agility rather than plain looks), so we started giving him some easy tasks. The guy loves running through the ladder, crawling through the tube and jumping over the poles we set out. I can’t wait until he’s really ready to compete - or at least run through a true AKC course.Friday night, the cat provided the entertainment.

Miko, our tabby, is known for zany stunts: she’ll chase you for Whiskas treats, and has gotten her head stuck in a glass while trying to get to the beer. But Friday night was her coup de grace. When I’m washing up for bed, she’s been known to jump up to the sin to watch, usually via the toilet. This time, when she leapt up, she discovered that someone (namely, me) had accidentally left the seat up. With a startled look, she jumped up as normal, and into the bowl she went.

***SPLASH***

In an instant, she leapt straight up, a la Luke Skywalker jumping out of the carbon freezing chamber, shrieking in horror at this change in plans. As my wife looked on, she tore out of the bathroom, horrified by her little swim. Watching a small cat fall into the toilet was something that you never think you’ll see, but my wife and I were literally staggering with laughter (don’t worry, it was clean). The cat was not amused. Despite her “I’ll kill you while you sleep” look, we had to laugh. In retaliation, she did leave toilet water paw prints all over the comforter cover.

**Other Fun Stuff**
While out on the town in Philly the other night, we made a stop at New Delhi for some dinner (umm, Tikka Masala), then went out to The Artful Dodger for some drinks. We haven’t been there in quite a while, so it was fun to go back to an old haunt. While there, I discovered a wonderful invention.

Where can I order my lifetime supply of pee tags?

Now, what I want to know is … where can I get one of these for the remote control?

Huh?

Marty September 9th, 2004

Seen on the back of a dirty truck on the way into work:

“I spanked a Bolivian Tundra Camel today”

How does one respond to that?

Other thoughts, musings and links for the day »

First Post A.D.

Marty January 1st, 2001

Janus I, Year I A.D.

Well, it’s the dawn of a whole new millenium, the age of Aquarius, blah blah blah. It doesn’t feel any different, although there seem to be a lot of zealots running around here. Not sure what the hubbub is, but I think it has to do with that guy I met the other day from Nazareth. Nice guy, but a little bit of a downer. Said something about he’s going to die for my shins. Seems an odd choice, but with the Romans, who knows.

Anyhoo, these zealots are crying and praising the lord. The only lord I know is Lord Cestus, and he’s a prick. Him and those goats … not that I’m supposed to mention that to anyone. Darn Romans. But I keep seeing those followers running around proclaiming a new religion being borne. I don’t know which god they’re talking about, but I have an idea that these folks are going to create a heap of trouble…

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