My dog has money coming out his ass

Last Saturday, I got a bunch of cash out because we needed some for a graduation gift and some for cash on hand. It was in those envelopes that banks give you, which I hate and normally dispose of quickly. For some reason, however, I kept the money in there this time and when we got home from the Phillies game Sunday, I put it down on my desk. Fast forward 3 days, and when I got to look for it, it’s gone. I look everywhere, ranting and raving about how I can’t figure out where it would have gone. Shari looks at me with that knowing look, sure that I have just misplaced it, while I’m sure that I knew where I put it but look elsewhere anyway. I even make a passing joke that maybe the dogs ate it.

So yesterday, I get a message from Shari that she has found the money. Unfortunately, she found it while cleaning the yard of the dogs’ ‘business’. Yes, that’s right – it was in the dog poop. Literally, the dogs did eat the money – about $80 worth. Near as I can figure, the cat – upon NOT getting her way – knocked the envelope to the ground, where our Dog Oakley investigated and, having a distinct penchant for eating paper (napkins, paper towels, coupons, rummy score sheets, etc.) decided that the envelope and its contents looked simply DEE-lish.

What to do, what to do?

Well, if it were $2 or even $20, I would have written that off. But $80 was a little much to just shrug away so I did what might be the second worst job I have ever done*, and I grabbed some latex gloves and went after the money. It wasn’t a pretty job, but a little ‘probing’ provided me with a bunch of scraps of $20 bills. Washing them off in the yard, I realized that I had parts of 4 different bills, but not necessarily ALL of the bills. Back in I went for round 2.

At the end, I had all of the scraps I could find, so I rinsed them off with the hose, then put them in a plastic bag with a ton of rubbing alcohol and hydrogen peroxide to sanitize them. After a couple hours in that solution, I rinsed them a half-dozen times with hot water and then dried them out. This morning, I put them together and taped them. End result:

  • 2 bills are completely recovered – both serial numbers intact and most of the bill remaining.
  • 1 bill mostly recovered – one serial number intact, the other partially there and a good 75% of the bill.
  • 1 bill is very iffy – one serial number and barely 50% of the bill.

Now, according to the rules from the Treasury department, as long as a bill is over 50% present and is identifiable as U.S. currency, the banks have to accept it and give me a new bill. As you can see below, I think I should get all $80 back. But we’ll see.

My dog has money comin' outta his butt

As for Oakley, I’d prefer if he’s start laying golden eggs instead of recycling my hard-earned cash.


3 Responses to “My dog has money coming out his ass”

  • furiousball Says:

    remind me not to ask you for change

  • Apertome Says:

    Wow. I’ve never heard of a dog eating money before. I don’t know if I could go to the lengths you went to to salvage the money. Good for you for doing so, though. It looks like the bills cleaned up pretty nicely! You should post an update as to whether the bank accepted them.

  • Marty Says:

    Mike – they took 2 of the 4 bills, and told me that they couldn’t accept the other two because the serial numbers were incomplete. I even showed them the page from the Treasury website but they still wouldn’t take them. Of course, the teller’s response was – “Well, someone could try to turn in the other part, too” to which I replied, “You can’t have two portions of the same bill with both having ‘over 50% of the bill, correct?”. He agreed, and then said the same thing. I hate robots.

    Anyway, the other two bills have to go to the treasury so that they can replace them.

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