You Know You’re a Dumbass When…

After being cut off again by some moron on a cell phone, and dealing with the innumerable drones that walk around this great land and commenting on it, my wife told me that I really had a stick up my ass the other day. Maybe I did – I’m not sure. I was edgy, I was irritated and I was looking at everyone around me with a narrow view and acerbic attitude. And it made me think, was I being too tough, or were there really people out there who really deserve some sort of tagging showing off that they are indeed, a dumbass.

I’m not sure if it would be a tattoo, or as Bill Engvall says, we should give them a sign. Maybe they don’t know that they are dumbasses (or asshats, as I picked up when in mixed company). Are they? Are you? Well, thinking about it, I came up with some signs that you or someone you know might just be … a dumbass.

I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT YOU’RE A DUMBASS IF…

• You drive around for 15 minutes or more looking for a parking space, instead of walking the extra 50′ from the one you keep passing up. note: exemptions – the disabled, elderly or pregnant mothers
• You sell something new on eBay as “New in Box” but never actually look in the box you picked up at a garage sale actually was new – or had all of the parts.
• You try to commit suicide 3 times and fail, and on your 4th try you chicken out – but manage to kill a dozen others with your carelessness.
• You feed your kids fast food 5x a week – and then sue those same restaurants for making them fat.
• You’ve ever believed a woman who said ‘You don’t have to get me anything’ for any holiday – real, Hallmark or imagined.
• Ever had a hospital visit where the entrance report includes both “genitals” and “power tool(s)” somewhere in the description.
• You’ve ever read the warning labels like “Do not place bag over head” or “Do not use toaster while bathing” and thought ‘Well, shit – now they tell me.’
• You fold hole aces when you are big blind in Texas Hold ’em poker
• You claim that your wife is missing, and promptly start selling her stuff.
• Your new killer website design you are touting your design skills on still includes the original notes from the person who actually designed. BTW, this is a double – you’re also a dumbass for stealing in the first place.
• You use your own deposit slip as the hold-up note.
• You feel the need to stop your vehicle in order to make a turn or use an exit ramp.
• You feel that your own morals should dictate everyone else’s ability to watch TV, listen to music, see a film or read a book.
• You feel that having a film, TV show, book or music banned for your own moral code makes more sense than you simply not watching them in the first place
• A diet coke to go with that large ‘works’ pizza constitutes ‘watching your weight’.
• You have a mullet. Don’t argue – it’s a fact.
• You couldn’t manage to hit the inside of the urinal but thought driving home was a sound idea.
• You have ever chastised someone about not getting a project done when that project was assigned to you. (yes, that happened to me)
• You believe that Bill Gates, Disney or AOL will give you ANYTHING for forwarding an email. It’s a hoax – period. Stop sending them to me.
• The idea of alcohol, lighters and explosives seem like a good combination.
• You have rubbed food on your body to attract wild animals.
• You are Kirstie Alley, Gilbert Godfried or Paul Schaeffer.
• You have cheated on Hally Berry, Nicole Kidman or Hillary (Hell hath no fury on that last one).
• You got into a car accident because you dropped your crack pipe while driving – with your knees
• You have detailed intimate discussions/arguments with your boyfriend at a volume that everyone around you can hear them, daily. Vividly. Whether they want to or not.
• You complain to your manager at the restaurant about what an asshat the customer is – well within earshot of said customer.
• Feel that a steady diet of fat and meat will make up for the lack of exercise of your sedentary butt.
• You are too lazy to shovel the walk in front of your house – the sidewalk that is only 2 blocks from the local school.
• You actually believe that the hot Russian coed you are chatting with is actually hot. Or Russian. Or a girl.
• You feel that protesting a piece of art is appropriate – even if you haven’t seen/heard/read a bit of it.

I welcome additions to this list. I’ll keep doing the same.